Struggling To Find Ourselves

Nope, going back to bed didn’t work very well at all.  At some point, my darling son “snuck” into my bed….and went to sleep…and as if that wasn’t bad enough, he was sprawled across the entire bed when I tried to go back awhile ago.  I laid down for a bit anyway.  “Where?”, you ask?  The floor, of course.  But, after better than a half an hour, I decided that laying there was probably just a waste of time because I wasn’t really sleepy anyway, and I got up and took a MUCH needed shower.  And here I am again….babbling into the night when everyone else is asleep.

The night dragged on.  It seemed as if time was standing still, but by looking at her Patek Perpetual watch, she knew that time was indeed passing….just VERY slowly.  The nurses came in on a regular basis to see how he was doing and to see if she needed anything.  They were labelling his condition as “stable”, but they said that that could deteriorate at any moment because of his massive injuries.  She could see the look on the faces of the hospital staff.  They figured that it was only a matter of time.  It was a waiting game for them….waiting to see just exactly when he would die.  To her, though the doubts kept rising on the inside of her as more time passed, deep down on the inside of her was still a little piece of her heart clinging to some invisible hope.

…all is well in the town square.  Wait a minute…we don’t have a square.  Hmmmmmm….did ALL towns used to have a square, just so they wake everyone up in the middle of the night yelling that?  How annoying would THAT be?  I guess it would depend upon if you were asleep like most people, and WHO was doing the yelling.  I know people who I don’t want close enough for me to hear ANYTHING they say at ANY time of day or night….let alone YELLING!!!

I think it’s time to go TRY to lay down again for awhile.  I don’t know if I’ll succeed or not, but I’m going to try.  Morning comes too early around here some days….ESPECIALLY with visitation coming up!!!

As she walked back to his hospital room again, she passed someone talking on the telephone.  That brought to mind one of the rare times he answered the phone several years ago.  They had been selling natural weight loss pills. Now he had never been anywhere near overweight, and he had a strange sense of humor sometimes. And it was just one of those days that he was just looking for an excuse to cause hate and discontent, so to speak.  As this lady on the other end was trying to get through her sales pitch, he put the call on speakerphone, and then proceeded to make animal noises and little comments, which got the lady on the phone all flustered before she even got halfway through her sales pitch.  At one point, he made the “mooooooooooooo” sound of a cow, and said in his best cow voice….”Betsy, do you think this hide makes me look fat?  Maybe we should order some of these pills?”  As the sales pitch paused a moment before continuing, there was silence.  When the sales lady started speaking again, he let her get about 10 words in before he replied to himself with his best female cow voice…”Naaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh, Wilbur, the hide doesn’t make you look fat.  I thought it was all muscle hiding under there.  Isn’t it muscle, Wilbur?”  She remembered trying to conceal her giggle in the background as he continued to harrass the sales lady.  She never did finish her sales pitch.  She got to giggling too, and eventually hung up.  That company never called back again.

Yep, that’s what it’s been…another busy week.  And that won’t change much, even though tomorrow is Friday.  I have an appointment in the morning after I drop my boy at school.  There’s stuff to be done around the house.  And then we bring him home from school and get him ready for visitation.  Then I have a pretty full weekend planned….mainly just around the house here, but I’ve still got MORE than enough to keep me busy.  The only thing with THAT is being enthused enough and feeling good enough to do the stuff around the house.

Yep, allergies are REALLY kicking in right now.  They started a few days ago when the wind was blowing so bad, and they haven’t let up much since.  The only GOOD thing is that I don’t have a sinus headache today like I have for the last 2 or 3 days!!!  Just that fact makes life a little easier to deal with!!!  But I’m on the road to recovery, I think.  Have been feeling drastically better today….or yesterday….or whatever…anyway, I was feeling better on Thursday.

More later…maybe….

As she sat there in that hospital cafeteria, sipping on her coffee, she thought of the vacation they had taken together last Summer to France.  He had known that going to tour the best wineries of France had been one of her only life-long dreams…and he had made that happen!!!  He had worked two jobs for months, with all the overtime he could get, so that he could scrimp and save to get deluxe accomodations and first class travel arrangements.  She especially loved going to a certain one, which had belonged to her family generations before.  Her family had been famous for using Riedel wine glasses. And the winery, though it was now owned by another family STILL used her family’s wine glasses!!!  It was like a dream come true for her!!!

…I think.  A couple of days ago, someone asked me an interesting question.  “If I had my choice, would I work a “structured” workday, or would I prefer to work “around the clock”?”  I HAVE to stand by the answer I gave them, after I thought about it for a minute, ESPECIALLY tonight!!!  I told them that I would LIKE to have a “structured” day, but I would also like the choice to work “around the clock” because there are nights when I can’t sleep, and I’d like the option to earn money on those occassions.  Yep, I would HAVE to agree with that answer tonight, considering it’s 12:31A.M., and I can’t go back to sleep.  Which would YOU like, if you had a choice?

As she sat in the cafeteria, she stared out the window into the rainy darkness that encompassed the area.  In the kitchen, she could hear someone washing the parts of the espresso machines that she had just watched them tear apart a few minutes earlier. She was tired….beyond belief.  She longed to go home and believe that everything was going to be alright, but she knew her place was here….by his side, as she had been for the last 18 hours or so.

…my head examined.  Yesterday afternoon, I was trying to get dinner ready.  My Sister and her two girls were here, so there was ALOT going on in the house and Dad was puttering around outside a bit.  One of my nieces was bugging about going outside because she was bored.  There was a COLD wind blowing and my Sister was hesitant in her answers.  So, what did I do?  I asked my niece if she wanted to help with dinner.  What was meant to be a….distraction tactic and a “quality-bonding-time” idea soon turned into a 3 ring circus, because my son and my youngest niece came in and wanted to help too.  MY thoughts were, originally, to let the oldest one help with dinner and then we’d make cookies with the THREE of them later in the week.  As it turned out, I ended up letting all THREE of them help with dinner.  Do you know how hard it is to “create” jobs for three kids to do so they can help with dinner when you hadn’t planned on letting ANY of them help, originally?  Yep, it got interesting there for a little bit….but we got dinner made!!!  Who, in their RIGHT mind, would let 3 children under 10 help in the kitchen all at once?  And NO left-overs, which actually SUCKS because I had originally planned to make what I expected would be “extra”, so we WOULD have left-overs.  So much for plans, huh?  You’d think I would learn NOT to make plans.  Mine never seem to go like they should.

More later….maybe.

As he stood outside the building for a moment, he took a deep breath and tried to calm himself before going in.  He had come a long way from where he was 3 years ago.  At that time, he had gotten busted by the cops, and did a small amount of time for his mistake, and he had been recently been ordered to enter a drug treatment program.  Even though he had been attending weekly meetings faithfully for the last six months or so, tonight was still a night that had him a bit scared.  Tonight was the last night that he HAD to be there….and he was beginning to realize that he’d be out in the big world all on his own….without any weekly meetings to attend and report his progress on the job and such.  That, to him, seemed like SUCH a BIG step tonight.  COULD he make it out there again?  Would he be able to resist having a relapse of behavior and the trouble with the law that that would bring?  Only time would tell….